Been a month or so now

Well let's see previous post included four women three of them the progress has been -------------------------------------------------------------------- and has pretty much stayed the same since the last time I talked to everyone. But the new girl has just brought the old Drake back. I feel like I lost a couple of you with that so let's explore. When I being raised my mom always taught me to be the good guy and as we all know they usually finish last, something I experienced quite a bit. Then as a lot of people in the pressure to fit it or look better I just gave up on the nice guy/good guy routine and pretty much just took whatever came into reach. I had a lot of fun but as it all continued there just grew a really dark pain that it wasn't who I wanted to be and I let it happen anyway. Then there I was hating the person I had become walking around school with my thoughts. Which most of you know Drake + his thoughts + being alone = very confusing time usually ending in useless complaints or a terrible sadness of some sort. But as I was walking around I remembered my Grandma and how much of an influence on me she had. Then I got to the thought that she wouldn't be there for my graduation which is going to be sad but even if she isn't there I know she'll be watching and be proud. But then I stopped and thought but what have I given her to be proud of ? I've become someone I don't want to be. I've become a kid that only tries to get by and doesn't force any extra work on himself because he doesn't want to. Then that's when I realized it's terrible that my grandma won't be at graduation but if the person she raised me to be isn't at graduation it will be a greater tragedy. Then this person to be thing has been nagging at me I know the post about dragons got all our balls rolling on some what ifs. But ever since I had the revelation that I should be the person my grandma raised me to be I've been having faith issues. Mostly because I never got to the point where I actually thought god couldn't exist but I was at the point where I almost didn't want him to exist. Because of the terrible thing that happened to my grandma. Faithful to the point of church every morning and there wasn't a push from any superior being to help her get past cancer. The fight took almost two years and I keep thinking that was the push so we all had time to say good-bye to her. But even if that is the push we got I still don't see the point she believed she prayed everyday for a miracle and getting two years was the answer. But it still wasn't an answer I was satisfied with. So ever since my grandma died (7 years now) I've been in a state of believing God is around but not having the slightest interest in ever trusting him/her/it. Then I've been having another problem even if I can't get over this and for some reason i just never let it go completely I've put this all 10-20 years in the future. I honestly I'm going to want my kids raised as Christians hopefully not the homo beating kind but you all know what I mean. And there in lies the problem I myself am conflicted daily on whether to blindly trust or just ignore God but I don't ever want my kids to feel that way. I want them to know that something bigger is watching out for them and now matter how much their dad is their hero that I can't do anything God could. I keep typing to hopefully answer my own question but I may have found the answer. I'm thinking that blindly trusting God with my own life is potentially out of the question forever but the fact that I blindly trust him to guide my future kids. That has to be trust enough a kid is any parents most trusted possession so if I'm willing to raise them to believe in God and trust him then I have a lot of faith in him already that he'll take care of them. Well I can't tell for sure right now but having that faith in God that my kids will be safe with Him as their guide is pretty big for me. Because you all know me as one of those kids that just bashes on the whole religion thing because honestly I just like playing devil's advocate. If one person says God is great I have to put the other side on the table and say why have you met Him blah blah.... But all of what I said still ties back into the fact that I blamed him for never curing my grandma instead of thanking him for the extra time she was around. There could've been a number of things that would have killed her sooner but I just decided to focus on the one person I could blame for it because I had no one else. Can't predict what any of you will say to this but there it is the insight to you friend that you may or may not have known enough about.


Catch you all later. Yea Glori calculus in the morning.

Let's see here, with your problems with faith, I'm going to assume that you believe in the Jeduo-Christian God ( Whom i don't believe in ) has played a important roll in your life, he took the blame that you gave him for not curing your grandmothers cancer. Its in human nature to blame something or someone else when something terrible happens. Example when 9-11 happened all of us we shocked it was a horrid event. Some people could except what happened and blamed the government, JFK there had to be a second shooter. the list is forever long. So in that respect God has been there for you and as long you believe in him (the feminine pronoun did not exist until the second millennium long after the bible was written so for my proposes I'll use he/him) he will be there for you for any reason inducing blame. For some people a religion is necessary for sanity, and for some gives a reason to live. I don't need to know your reason for God, but know that once the idea of God is instilled you to you it never leaves the back of your head. I went to Catholic School for six years, and went to PSR till eighth grade. So when i say its instilled that is talking from my own experience

Eeettooooo eeettoooo .....

"Nice guys finish last" this line, had pissed me off beyond belief.
For this line the metaphor(s) I'm going to use for every new "situation" will be a new "race"
right now the race I'm in hasn't started, bets are still being placed
last race i was in i was gonna win but i broke my leg and i was shot, but was still awarded a awesome consolation prize ( will not go into this it angers me now )
Allow your self to finish last you will find the most interesting people in the back, the ones that go unnoticed are the most fun people to talk to, and to know in general .


But that's my two cents you can take all of it, none of it or somewhere in between. I had nothing to do for a few hours so I did put some thought in to this, even though most if the time was word choice and watching TV.

I hope my incite will help you cause i wish about a year ago, i would have asked for advice and not done what i did, but at the same time it changed me to a different person so i don't regret it, but I'll digress

have a good night.